Planes, Trains, Automobiles, Hydrofoils, Funiculars, and....Italian Wine

Who wouldn't love an exciting and romantic trip to Italy? I presume very few. As incredible as Italy is, this narrative is not the flowery sort. It is a tale entailing the nightmarishly long journey I unwittingly set us up to endure when I booked our flights. Yes, all roads lead to Rome, but I learned the hard way that Capri is not at the other end. Well, not in a direct route sort of way. So, how does one arrive at their hotel on the Italian isle where Roman Emporer's once basked? With a great big pain in their ass.

I had contemplated flying into Naples, since we'd be utilizing it's port, but we were flying out of Rome, so it was cheaper to make it a round-trip ticket. My failed logic was, “Naples is only two-hours from Rome by rail. It should be easy enough to get their on our own.” Right. Let's add to the already astounding litany of means necessary to reach our destination. The trek to Capri probably isn't so arduous if you aren't attempting it immediately following the red-eye to Rome, which followed a layover, which followed the first segment of the flight, which left at noon on the day before. It doesn't help to have copious amounts of luggage, the biggest piece of which was designed by a logically-inept moron. It's wheels were placed toward the middle, so of course, the seventy pound p.o.s. was constantly tipping over!

In my own defense, I couldn't have foreseen the unfortunate situations that managed to befall us. In attempts to ease some of our fatigue and discomfort, we decided to splurge and upgrade to first-class en route to Naples, entitling us to a semi-private, climate-controlled cabin with extra cushy seats and food service. Yet we boarded the miserably hot and stuffy train to discover that the godforsaken air conditioning was broken! So, not only did we have the hassle of removing all of our luggage from said cabin after the initial hassle of getting it in there, we lost a fair amount of money in our first exchange with the Euro considering our upgraded first-class tickets purchased us seats to an insufferably hot two and a half hour excursion...in coach. They promised to refund us, but it must have gotten lost in translation.

We eventually arrived in Naples and disembarked from our 150-minute sauna. Starving and exhausted, we secured a cab to take us to the port. I, myself, don't particularly believe in the power of prayer; however, inside this cab which made a NYC taxi ride feel like a stroll through Central Park, I figured it couldn't hurt. Finally at the port of Naples, we got in line to buy our tickets to the hydrofoil. For anyone considering an escape to Capri, I strongly advise you read my post entitled, “No Cuts, No Buts, No Coconuts,” before attempting to purchase these passes. Otherwise, your journey ends here.

Despite it only being forty-five minutes, the sardine factor made the conditions on the hydrofoil even more atrocious than that of the train. En voyage of this miserable floating vessel, finally headed for the dad blasted island, in our 25^th hour of traveling, having been deprived of food, rest, or a cool breeze for quite some time, my demeanor became less than amiable. I began to develop immense regret for ever having left home. In other words, I lost it. I thoroughly expressed to my husband that I wanted off the damn boat and not when we arrived at Capri. Now. No amount of natural beauty could possibly be worth this hell. Luckily he was able to make his way to a refreshment counter, and in obtaining a much-needed beverage, saved me from jumping ship. It's amazing what a few sips of tepid Coca-Cola can do for the weak and weary.

As we approached the resplendent sight that is Capri, with glimmers of sunlight reflecting from the azure-colored water, enough optimism crept in to bring a sigh of hope. Docked, and basking in the awe of the magnificent landscape and Mediterranean architecture, we were greeted by our hotel staff who then relieved us of our burdensome luggage. I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it wasn't over yet. We still had to wait with the masses for the funicular which ascends to the island's epicenter. How the 'fun' got in funicular is apparent to anyone who has ridden one of these tortoise-paced apparatuses during summer in a tropical climate, which proves additionally entertaining in a country that does not appear to maintain passenger quotas. Thank God it didn't have far to go.


Reaching the plateau, the doors opened. Alas! We had arrived! The two-day journey was over! Had I not been so depleted, I would have reveled in my excitement. We haggardly disembarked the incline to discover that our transfer would not only deliver us directly to the front doors of our hotel, but didn't cost a penny! The method of transport taking us to our oasis after this ridiculously long pilgrimage, was not what I had in mind. In Italian it is referred to as, “nostri piedi.” Translation: our feet. As in walking the mile of hilly terrain. Hiking. Hoofing. Inching.

Then I was struck with the bad news. I realized that in the midst of my fatigue and the hurry to disembark the hydrofoil, I had failed to collect my garment bag containing all of my favorite clothes. According to my calculations, we were no longer in the green by flying into Rome.

The very next moment commenced my passion for Italian wine. Any available variety of Italian wine.

My Stint At the Prime Time Emmy's

I know, I know. This clearly does not qualify as “abroad”, although considering I live on the East Coast, it may as well be. Since I don't have a blog called, “Domestic Adventures: Culture shock from all over the States”, this blog adopted the orphan post.

So, I was lucky to attend the Red Carpet Arrivals @ the Prime Time Emmy's this past September. It was cool. It was fun. It was all that. But there was a catch. The procedure we had to go through was like something out of the Twilight Zone. For starters, we had to get up really early on a Sunday morning (like 7:30) to get dressed up and drive across town. Once at our destination we were made to sit in rows on these really uncomfortable benches, one behind another, crammed in between a bunch of other people who were all there for the same purpose. This is when I developed an unfortunate case of bleacher butt. It was the one and only time I was wishing I had more junk in the trunk. I know it's wrong to covet, but I sure envied the few that were hoarding all of the cushion, if you know what I mean. As we continued to sit as one big congregation, I tried to keep my faith by reminding myself that I would be rewarded for this later.

It was mildly entertaining to watch the behind-the-scenes activity involved in airing the live footage to all of the networks covering the Emmy's. I can not deny that there was a certain intoxication in the air. However, there was an abundance of celebrities, paparazzi, and crew members, so perhaps the aura of intoxication had nothing to do with the excitement. We were provided refreshments and a goody tote loaded with what I suspect, were the same effects given to the stars. The contents included a magazine, ball cap, Emmy's t-shirt, mascara, AND, hold on.....let me build some suspense, a bag of chips. As if seeing droves of celebrities wasn't enough, I was privileged to experience, first-hand, a moment so special, that it's very essence has been coined. The cliché clearly originates from this red carpet event, whereby the audience gets ALL THAT the stars get AND a bag of chips. Doritos, to be specific.

One by one, the stars eventually made their way down the red carpet. Some were friendlier than others, and I was disappointed that Steve Carell was the least personable. To his credit, he did arrive in the same manner as the rest of the garden variety stars. Some celebs, one in particular, was simply too famous for all the fuss and had to be privately escorted through a trap door. It is true, he probably would have been recognized and, chances are, have ended up in the tabloids. Of the oodles of celebrities on site (Dr. McDreamy, Kevin Bacon, Michelle Pfiefer, to name a few), Alec Baldwin knew that he would have shone brighter than the rest, causing unfair press and attention and was, therefore, unable to walk the red carpet due to the unfortunate curse of super-stardom that has befallen him.

I did encounter one odd moment when a man from the paparazzi who was standing in front of me, turned and unexpectedly took my picture, almost point blank, mind you. I have no idea what his objective was, but I'm fairly certain it didn't score any front covers.

Giza, Cairo's Ugly Stepsister

Culture shock took on a whole new meaning during my quest to see the Great Pyramids. The Nile divides the huge metropolis of Cairo and Giza, and you do not want to be on the wrong side of the Nile. Filthy, insanely populated, freakishly loud, and distinctly impoverished Giza is the side I am referring to. Yes, getting to the pyramids will be more challenging if you stay in Cairo since the traffic is literally murder (you nor I would survive for 2 minutes as a pedestrian), but it is well worth the commute.

Our 5-star accommodations (by Egyptian standards) were inconspicuously situated on a side-street, not in the preferred sector. Once through it's doors (and security check), it was a welcomed oasis from the surrounding elements. We ventured out into the alley once to peruse the adjacent shops and were greeted by many eager and chatty store-owners (even receiving a dinner invitation, which we graciously declined). We conversed, and shopped, and laughed with the locals. That was prior to dusk. Once the sun began to set, however, like Cinderella, we frantically scrambled to make our way back before all that was good turned bad.

Our hotel boasted a lovely internal courtyard with a beautiful pool and a variety of eating options, which provided both excellent food, as well as service. Be that as it may, when I someday return to this place of inspiring structures and intriguing antiquities, I will reserve a nice little room in the heart of Cairo, overlooking the Nile, where one can stroll along the river and patronize the local eateries. It will prove to be an even lovelier experience.

Italians Really Do Have Big Ones

I experienced culture shock for the first time within minutes of arriving in Rome. We had just exited the plane from our ten-hour, transatlantic flight when I was taken aback. It wasn't the language barrier, although I didn't speak a lick of Italian. It was the airport security officer standing before me, sporting some very heavy artillery. “My, what big guns you have!” shrieked my mind, not referring to the muscular mass bulging through his sleeve. Yes, these guns were bona fide assault rifles. Unsure whether the purpose of such machinery was to intimidate or annihilate, I knew one thing for certain: Italians don't jack around with homeland security.

My Italian Stallion......To The Rescue!

Lazy and optimistic me. I did not take the time to learn a little Italian before embarking on our romantic Roman holiday. I speak un peu French, but that didn't get me far in France, and I imagine would be significantly less helpful in Italy. I was more concerned with the statistical possibility of the two of us dying in a suicide bombing on Capri than I was the language barrier. Luckily, one of us planned ahead.

As it turns out, Italy boasts a wealth of English-speakers who do not seem to mind using it. However, that is not to say that learning a little Italian won't make things easier. For instance, eager to make his impressive European debut, my husband listened to “Italian on CD” relentlessly for three weeks. I'm ashamed to admit I did tease him. However, I was forced to eat my words when his Italian saved the day while buying train passes. With his wealth of communication skills and extensive knowledge of numbers 1-10, he was thus able to indicate precisely how many tickets we needed while simultaneously showing the ticket clerk two fingers. I fear what may have taken place without his newly acquired verbiage. Instead of indicating a quantity, his gesture may have been misconstrued as simply, “peace out.”

Moral of the story: if you're going to take the time to learn a foreign language, focus on numbers representing quantities greater than your available digits.

No Cuts, No Buts, No Coconuts

To avoid wasting time in lines, the Italians have cleverly engineered a new system. It is called, “survival of the fastest.” Word to the wise: do not, I repeat, do not allow more than eight centimeters to come between yourself and the person in front of you in any given line. Note, I use that term very loosely. At times there are groups of people who appear to have organized in a linear fashion, all heading in the same direction. The fact that it mirrors what we, here in the States, refer to as “waiting our turn” is merely a coincidence. In addition to the aforementioned advice, one must refrain from people watching (outside of anyone not posing an eminent threat), shoe tying, and sneezing. If you fail to heed this or my eight centimeter warning (and I have seen it happen with less), the opportunity to claim your spot will be seized. In such case, one must speak up and speak loudly, as it is a long and weary wait for the soft-spoken.

Did it Occur to You, I Might Speak German?

Something was a dead give away. I have yet to pinpoint exactly what element it was. I mean, I know I don't look Italian. But I do have a great deal of Swedish and German blood running through my veins. Is it really that big of a stretch to think I could be European? Whether it was my attire, my attitude, or my appearance, they knew. On several occasions, I was approached and greeted in English. The telltale sign that I wore my nationality on my sleeve came, when at a museum, I was scolded not once, but twice, in my mother tongue. The first incident was the result of an innocent mishap, as I was unaware the flash would operate on my camera. Moments later, I committed my second offense by almost touching an intriguing table boasting a beautiful tile mosaic. Really, I try to be on my best behavior! I don't know what came over me, but something about that unique and historic table begged me to get a closer look utilizing my tactual senses. As if acting on it's own will, my hand lifted, then floated closer, index finger in position. Just at the moment I was expecting it to relay the surface's texture to my brain, I was startled from behind. Unexpectedly, a sharp, exacting tone exclaimed, “NO touching!” I instinctively ceased my intention and turned to see the source, which was a woman wearing authentic museum personnel garb. I had not uttered so much as one English syllable within earshot of this stern 'Guardian of Relics'. So how did she know? Perhaps, it's a simple case of defaulting orders in English. Maybe they teach the motto in Roman museum guard school, “when in doubt, use English to shout.” Or, maybe it's just me, oozing the unmistakable aura of an American.

My Top Tips & Tidbits: Italy

Rome & Capri

Expect to spend lots of dough. Europe can be very expensive and Italy is no exception. Capri, in fact, exemplifies this rule. Without disclosing actual figures, we could have had a brand new, stripped-down Kia in place of our nine-day Roman holiday (celebrating an anniversary served as our justification to over-indulge). To avoid blowing loads of cash, plan ahead and have a budget. However, don't find yourself skimping so much that it hinders the experience. Keep in mind to allow more than you think you'll need because inevitably there will be costs you hadn't anticipated. **Note, our figure included flights which were $1,200 apiece. I will soon be adding a post reviewing our hotels. Going during the off-season, you can save LOTS of money (usually Nov-March).

Remember to take a conservative ensemble to visit the Vatican. They do turn people away if your attire does not meet the requirements. Shoulders, knees, and cleavage must all be covered to get into St. Peter's Basilica, and the Vatican museum (which houses The Sistine Chapel).

May, June, & September are the best times to visit Capri according to locals. It's probably fair to say the same for Rome, as July and August are the hottest months, and the busiest on Capri. We visited in June, and what I'll say is this: Girls, pack the clips and plan to wear your hair up. I initially resisted this as I had just invested a small fortune getting my hair cut and highlighted for the trip. I persevered in my struggle until lunchtime the first day, at which point I wished I would have had her cut off six inches more.

Hire a guide or book a tour, especially in Rome.

Many times you can do this through your concierge. In some

cases you can book on-site, such as the coloseum. I highly recommend some sort of tour as your experience will be greatly enriched having the knowledge and insight a guide will provide about these significant points of interest. Simply seeing the forum is remarkable, but not nearly as impressive without knowing the importance behind each monument. We hired a private boat tour around the isle of Capri, including a visit to the Blue Grotto, on our last morning before leaving for Rome. I highly recommend doing this. It was a wonderful way to say "arrivederci" to the remarkably beautiful island.

If you're on a tight budget, the coloseum also offers audio tours for a reasonable rate (only 4 Euros in 2006). Or, if you're really on a budget, although not a reliable plan, and I categorically do not endorse this, you can try to slip into an English-speaking tour already in progress.

Half and full-day excursions from Rome are also offered. If you have 3 days or less, stay within proximity of Rome's epicenter, utilizing that time exploring all this amazing city has to offer. If you have several days, you may enjoy an excursion to marvel in some fascinating ruins or Italian countryside. Pompeii is definitely worth a visit! Also interesting (and not very far) is Tivoli which boasts at least two UNESCO World Heritage sites and a castle. I personally would not recommend a day trip to Capri from Rome. The voyage is too far and arduous to briefly set foot on the isle. Capri makes a better day trip if you're nearer the Almafi Coast. However, know that droves of cruise ships dock nearby enabling literally thousands of day-trippers to infiltrate the island every day. If interested in visiting Capri and Rome, I would suggest staying at least two nights on the isle to truly experience it's unique ambiance and to make the journey worth the effort.

Eat plenty of gelato. This would be my single most important piece of advice. There are tons of flavors, it's super good, and it's everywhere. Best of all, their portions are small so you can try a new variety whenever the craving hits you and not stretch out the clothes you've packed. Many days we had some twice and I actually lost weight on the trip! So, I say, "viva la vita dolce!"

These Websites Saved Me Money

Gate1Travel.com offers some unbelievable bargains for flight and hotel packages (they also offer all-inclusive tours if you're interested in that sort of thing)...sign up on their email list to
see featured deals.

Skoosh.com - UK run site, offered best price for our hotel in L.A. The
downtown Omni hotel usually charges $250 per night (for starters).
The other hotel sites were advertising nightly rates in the ballpark
of $189. We booked our room through Skoosh for only $139!

Kayak.com - I researched flights to Italy extensively before purchasing
since the cost for such has sky-rocketed over the last few years. The
site that finally won my bid for offering the lowest price was
Kayak.com.

Skybus.com - If you happen to live in North Carolina or Ohio, or need to travel to either, then Skybus just may have your ticket. They sell their flights in one-way segments which happen to all be non-stop. The
first ten seats of each and every flight sell for only $10!! Even if
you aren't quick enough to snatch up one of those (I was fortunate to
get a flight to L.A. for $20 from Greensboro), the flights are
amazingly reasonable. I check their sight on occasion and they
frequently have availability on $40 fares. That still comes out to be
a non-stop flight for $80! Check them out at Skybus.com and
sign up for their email alerts as they continue to add new cities!

**One thing to note: Some of the sites that offer discounted rates on
hotels actually charge a fee per night on top of any other
service fees & taxes. Make sure your final price is still a good
deal, or you are better off booking through the hotel directly. There
is no sense in adding a middle-man to your reservation if you're not
saving a fair amount of money.